Its my birthday, I'm turning 20! TWENTY! exciting right?? no..:/ should be a good thing right, its not tho, because.
-one of my best friends is in oklahoma..
-one of my best friends is camping until a week from now
-someone who i thought would be here..is in virginia
-my non sexual lover that is more platonic than anything ever...is on vacation -_-
-and someone who i would like to be here also..is in texas
what the fuck am I supposed to do by myself on my 20th birthday.
I think I may go to borders after school :/
Love Gives Me Hope http://love.givesmehope.com
http://love.givesmehope.com This Website makes me cry everytime i read one. I realized after a few of them tho, that i cry fro different reasons, I cry at some of them because they are just so aww worthy how could you not, i cry at some because they are so sad yet happy that you have to, but i cry at every single one of them, because i realized, i have nobody to give me hope with their love, Nobody has loved me enough and probably never will love me enough for me to have hope from it. Nobody will ever love me...ever..I'm sure of it.
Trichotillomania
Trichotillomania is hair loss caused by compulsive pulling or
twisting of the hair until it breaks off.Psychoanalytic theories suggest that the behavior is a way of dealing with unconscious conflicts or childhood trauma
I just recently discovered, i had this when I was younger. I am thankful that my mom (grandma..later story) knew that wasnt normal and helped me to stop, early enough before it got too out of control. I would twirl my hair, until i had i bald patches around my head...i was 3-4 years old. things definately were not normal.
I think i started to twirl because it was about the time that, my daddy had left my family, and i had watched him leave:
I was sitting under the kitchen table. I was wearing a polka dotted jumper and a red hair bow that matched my socks and some black shoes. My momma was on the couch asleep and my brother was over in the playpen. My daddy rode off in the back of a blue ford pickup truck, and all he did was wave and turn around as he left.
As a little girl, i don't think i knew what stress was. I didnt realize what it was i just sort of ..went along with the feeling and dealt with it as best i knew how, and twirling was sort of a relief for me.
My momma wasnt the best at taking care of my brother and me. I ended up helping raise my brother basically, like, I took care of things with him basically until my grandmother got legal custody of the 2 of us. And she was the one that realized that i was twirling, and that is wasnt healthy for me. She was the one that got me help, and i reeeally appreciate that on her part.
*bad news is, later in life, i developed biting my nails as a stress relief :/
twisting of the hair until it breaks off.Psychoanalytic theories suggest that the behavior is a way of dealing with unconscious conflicts or childhood trauma
I just recently discovered, i had this when I was younger. I am thankful that my mom (grandma..later story) knew that wasnt normal and helped me to stop, early enough before it got too out of control. I would twirl my hair, until i had i bald patches around my head...i was 3-4 years old. things definately were not normal.
I think i started to twirl because it was about the time that, my daddy had left my family, and i had watched him leave:
I was sitting under the kitchen table. I was wearing a polka dotted jumper and a red hair bow that matched my socks and some black shoes. My momma was on the couch asleep and my brother was over in the playpen. My daddy rode off in the back of a blue ford pickup truck, and all he did was wave and turn around as he left.
As a little girl, i don't think i knew what stress was. I didnt realize what it was i just sort of ..went along with the feeling and dealt with it as best i knew how, and twirling was sort of a relief for me.
My momma wasnt the best at taking care of my brother and me. I ended up helping raise my brother basically, like, I took care of things with him basically until my grandmother got legal custody of the 2 of us. And she was the one that realized that i was twirling, and that is wasnt healthy for me. She was the one that got me help, and i reeeally appreciate that on her part.
*bad news is, later in life, i developed biting my nails as a stress relief :/
Why oh why
I have this tendency to feel jealous of fabric characters, just because they have better sex life's, or sweeter mates than me.
I read about these passionate kisses and embraces, and can't help but think, maybe I'm missing out on something?
I mean I've been kissed and had sex and all the naughty stuff, but I've never really had that spark moment. You know that moment when you think, this is GREAT! Maybe it's because of the things that happened to me in the past? Is that why? Maybe I'm just weird or too untrusting, or just to traumatized. I dunno, I guess I just long for the guy that makes me feel pretty even when I know I'm not.
I read about these passionate kisses and embraces, and can't help but think, maybe I'm missing out on something?
I mean I've been kissed and had sex and all the naughty stuff, but I've never really had that spark moment. You know that moment when you think, this is GREAT! Maybe it's because of the things that happened to me in the past? Is that why? Maybe I'm just weird or too untrusting, or just to traumatized. I dunno, I guess I just long for the guy that makes me feel pretty even when I know I'm not.
Stopped Biting My Nails
wel i have finally stopped biting my nails which im very excited about since i've been doin it since i was about 3! I think i now realize why i did it(well the reason why i continued doing it for so long) it was because i kind of had pent up feelings about things. I finally expressed them to the person that deserved them, and i havent bitten them since..ive noiced sometimes ill think about biting them but then of course i dont but every now and then when something makes me anxious or nervouse i kind of start to atack but ive gotten to where i stop myself sooo hopefully i can finally have pretty nails.
I found out that my cousin is finally going to be able to move into his new trailer soon which means that i will be able to move into the one he is currently living in. That will deefinately be good and well worth it.
My mom's husband is having hip problems. He is too scared to go to the doctor because he is absolutely positive that the doctor will have him get hip surgery, and he just dont want to go through with that. My moms back and legs are hurting her like always, but i'm reeeally glad that her heart problems stopped, that really had me worried but havent really had any signs of any troubles recently. My brother had a bit of sinus problems recently, his ears were stopped up and he had pain and it was soooo annoying hearing him complain about it constantly. my little cousin gabby who had the tube placed in her chest..yea she is having a check up tomorrow and then friday she is going to have some tubes put in her tear ducts because they are clogged and that can cause infections to start. funnily enough(not really funny tho) her sister is having a check up this week also because she already had that same surgery from where she got a broke nose and it collapsed the tear duct and she had clogged one too.
discovered when i type i block the wifi connection between here and the church..i find that funny
I found out that my cousin is finally going to be able to move into his new trailer soon which means that i will be able to move into the one he is currently living in. That will deefinately be good and well worth it.
My mom's husband is having hip problems. He is too scared to go to the doctor because he is absolutely positive that the doctor will have him get hip surgery, and he just dont want to go through with that. My moms back and legs are hurting her like always, but i'm reeeally glad that her heart problems stopped, that really had me worried but havent really had any signs of any troubles recently. My brother had a bit of sinus problems recently, his ears were stopped up and he had pain and it was soooo annoying hearing him complain about it constantly. my little cousin gabby who had the tube placed in her chest..yea she is having a check up tomorrow and then friday she is going to have some tubes put in her tear ducts because they are clogged and that can cause infections to start. funnily enough(not really funny tho) her sister is having a check up this week also because she already had that same surgery from where she got a broke nose and it collapsed the tear duct and she had clogged one too.
discovered when i type i block the wifi connection between here and the church..i find that funny
My dream that scared me
It starts out me my brother and my grandma are on a cliff..like up in the sky. there is snow on the cliffs to make getting acrossed them difficult, but its not cold. My brother is ahead of my mom and my behind me. well my brother finally makes it off of this cliff and into the next room(this is when he is really small and was still skinny)
and as i am climbing im about 14 in it and i drop the keys to the house. my mom tells me to keep on going and she will get them..so i do..but on the way there i slip and almost fall(once you fall you are dead...don't know why i knew that just did) well since i am down by the ledge the keys fell too i tell my mom i will get them..so i do. and as i am she passes me by into the next room. next i am just in the next room. the next room you are on the clouds, there is a chouch a chair, a bookshelf and a t.v. but in the middle of the room is a hole. I watch as my brother climbs on the couch, jumps to the chair and lands in the next doorframe...i watch my mom do the same..me not having paid attention before just figure ill walk through the middle of the room..i can see the wood floor through the clouds..but as i start walking i notice the floor is just an illusion..they dissappear creating a big hole that you cannot walk over. so i follow what my mom and brother di and go from couch to chair to door. the furniture was lined up kind oof as a bridge. now we walk into the next room and this lady tells us that we have completed the ritual and that my papa george can come back to life..all we have to do is eat one grain of salt. so we each eat one grain of salt, but for some reason, my mom eats more than one piece..and i get mad and yell at her saying that now it won't work, she at more than one grain of salt. but then through the door my papa walks and he is young enough that i will be an adult before he dies this time. and he tells us all lets go its time to leave..so we are following him. and i notice i have a nose bleed so he gives me a hankercheif and tells me that it will be alright, then i notice that my mom isnt with me, so i take off running to find her..all along my papa is shouting to come back to him, its too dangerous. so i go to the room we ate the salt in and notie nobody is there, the lady that congratualted us was gone. then i notice off to the side there is a door and that water is running, I open the door(blood runnin out of my nose) and there is a young lady with black hair..and I say let my mom go..we came here to get papa let her go..she turns and looks at me and i think to myself.....then for some reason i look in the mirror and look and notice the reflection of the mirror shows the lady with black hair being my mom....and i just started to cry in the dream as the lady gave an evil smirk and started to me..as i slid down against the bathroom door crying....and then i just woke up.
and as i am climbing im about 14 in it and i drop the keys to the house. my mom tells me to keep on going and she will get them..so i do..but on the way there i slip and almost fall(once you fall you are dead...don't know why i knew that just did) well since i am down by the ledge the keys fell too i tell my mom i will get them..so i do. and as i am she passes me by into the next room. next i am just in the next room. the next room you are on the clouds, there is a chouch a chair, a bookshelf and a t.v. but in the middle of the room is a hole. I watch as my brother climbs on the couch, jumps to the chair and lands in the next doorframe...i watch my mom do the same..me not having paid attention before just figure ill walk through the middle of the room..i can see the wood floor through the clouds..but as i start walking i notice the floor is just an illusion..they dissappear creating a big hole that you cannot walk over. so i follow what my mom and brother di and go from couch to chair to door. the furniture was lined up kind oof as a bridge. now we walk into the next room and this lady tells us that we have completed the ritual and that my papa george can come back to life..all we have to do is eat one grain of salt. so we each eat one grain of salt, but for some reason, my mom eats more than one piece..and i get mad and yell at her saying that now it won't work, she at more than one grain of salt. but then through the door my papa walks and he is young enough that i will be an adult before he dies this time. and he tells us all lets go its time to leave..so we are following him. and i notice i have a nose bleed so he gives me a hankercheif and tells me that it will be alright, then i notice that my mom isnt with me, so i take off running to find her..all along my papa is shouting to come back to him, its too dangerous. so i go to the room we ate the salt in and notie nobody is there, the lady that congratualted us was gone. then i notice off to the side there is a door and that water is running, I open the door(blood runnin out of my nose) and there is a young lady with black hair..and I say let my mom go..we came here to get papa let her go..she turns and looks at me and i think to myself.....then for some reason i look in the mirror and look and notice the reflection of the mirror shows the lady with black hair being my mom....and i just started to cry in the dream as the lady gave an evil smirk and started to me..as i slid down against the bathroom door crying....and then i just woke up.
another post yo'
SOoooo i have discovered I have an addiction to pepsi, after about 3 days without it, i get stressed and just start having that feeling that i need it, (actually maybe more a caffeine addiction than just pepsi) but i can't stop, i tried, its just so frustrating sometimes
on another not, i am making a tardis out of perler beads :D so excited, can't wait for it to be done
on another not, i am making a tardis out of perler beads :D so excited, can't wait for it to be done
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